Final Fantasy VII I Hate Everything
by roo17
Summary: Crack fic. Enjoy! Cloud hates sunrises happen so early, Zack hates that people are saying Santa doesn't exist, and Sephiroth doesn't like that snooze buttons don't last longer. ect. Lot more chapters coming!   Not good at summery.   :D


Final Fantasy VII- I Hate Everything  
Chapter 1: Sunrises, Pizza, Easter Bunny, Santa, Snooze

**Okay so there will be many, and I mean **_**many **_**chapters of this. They will each include multiple stories, up to three or more. These I Hate… Statements are from a book called I Hate Everything by Matthew DiBenedetti. (I'm also making one of these for One Piece and Hellsing. So go read them!) So without further ado, let us start the first chapter…**

**Warnings: May be multiple pairings for different chapters. Or no pairings at all. It really depends.**

**XxXxX**

_I hate that sunrises happen so early._

Cloud woke up groggily as he rolled over to get out of bed. He had promised himself that he would get up in time to watch the sunrise this morning since he loved them so very much in this season. But this meant he had to get up at 5:50 in the morning, and Cloud was _not_ a morning person. He didn't even try to stifle a yawn as he stood up and headed for the his bedroom window. He opened the silver curtains and noted it was still dark out. He knew that in the current season it was, the sun rose around 6:15. He glanced at his clock which read 6:00, giving him thirteen minutes to brush his teeth, use the bathroom and make his bed. He sleepily went to the bathroom and flicked on the light switch. He then slowly brushed his teeth (noting that he needed more toothpaste) and then continued on to use the toilet.

After relieving himself, he washed his hands with warm water and washed his face with cold water, jolting him into 'awake mode.' He made his way back to the bedroom and made his bed nice and neat. After that he glanced at the clock again. 6:08. Alright, he had five minutes to make himself a cup of coffee in the kitchen. Normally he wouldn't drink said drink in the mornings, but it was quite early and he didn't want to fall asleep again. So he walked in the kitchen and stared to make his coffee. But halfway through making it, a ray of orange light hit his eyes. At first he ignored. But then it struck him. "The sunrise!" The dropped his cup and ran to the bedroom, making it just in time to watch the rest of the sun rise over the clouds on the horizon. The beautiful orange-red sun tinted everything in it's and warmed the smooth skin of Cloud's arms and face. After the sun was fully risen and its colors began to turn its normal yellow, he smiled; feeling proud of himself for seeing the first sunrise of spring. He walked into the kitchen and found Zack sleeping at the table and Sephiroth drinking coffee.

"Hello Cloud. Enjoy the sunrise?" Cloud gave a happy nod as Zack let out a loud snore. "Oh and Cloud."

"Yes Seph?"

"Clean up your mess." Cloud looked to where he dropped his cup and sighed. He had made more of a mess then he thought. He grabbed a few paper towels and cleaned it up quietly, not wanting to wake Zack up. _'There,'_ he thought. _'All clean.'_ "Can you give me a small cup of ice water?"

"Uh, sure." He quickly gave it to Sephiroth who stood up and made his way over to Zack. Cloud knew what was gonna happen next. He headed back into his bedroom and looked out his window, ignoring the loud yells from the kitchen.

"Holy shit that's cold Seph! What the hell?"

"You were snoring too loud."

"Well there's nicer ways to wake people up!"

"Shut up, you're being too loud."

"That's not what your mom said last ni-" As the sounds of a fight erupted from the kitchen, Cloud couldn't help but smile to himself.

Maybe mornings weren't that bad after all.

**XxXxX XxXxX XxXxX**

_I hate that I always get stuck with the small slice of pizza._

Cloud looked at Sephiroth and Zack as they looked at the three pieces of pizza. There were only two big piece and one small one. Sephiroth glared at the other two. "I call a big piece."

"We know already, Seph. Take it already." Zack waved him off and him and Cloud stood there looking at the remaining two pieces. They looked each other in the eye and stared each other down. "It's mine."

"Oh no it's not." Cloud shoved Zack out of the way and made a grab for the pizza. But he missed as Zack quickly pulled him away from it and they both fell to the floor. Cloud had an arm bar on Zack while Zack had Cloud in a head lock with one arm while Sephiroth watched from the couch, very much amused. "It's my piece Zack! I always get stuck with the small one!"

"Well too bad, cause that big piece is mine!" Too caught up in their fighting, they didn't even notice Reno walk into the room, take the last big piece and walk away. After five minutes of rolling around the floor putting each other into headlocks and arm bars, Zack finally won and stood up to take the last big piece… only to find it gone. "Where… where's my pizza…"

"Reno came and took it." Sephiroth said in a matter-of-fact way. Cloud finally stood up and noticed Zack looking sadly at the last piece of pizza. He quickly grabbed it as Zack started to reach for it, leaving a shocked Zack.

"You know, I never really did mind getting stuck with the small piece of pizza." Cloud walked away with his prize as Zack stood there next to the empty pizza box and pouted.

"…My… Pizza…?" He sulked slightly before a determined look came over him.

_Oh Reno was gonna it…_

**XxXxX XxXxX XxXxX**

_I hate finding out that the Easter Bunny doesn't exist._

It was Easter morning and Cloud was excited. He jumped out of bed, got ready and ran out of room and over to Zack's room. "Zack, it's Easter! Start searching for the eggs!" Zack opened the door still in his boxers and yawned.

"Cloud, it's eight in the morning. You're supposed to sleep in till nine on weekends."

"But Zaaack! The Easter Bunny hid eggs around the place! We gotta find them all then-"

"Then egg Sephiroth! It's a brilliant idea Cloud! Wait, let me get ready." Zack slammed the door shut to get ready. Cloud blinked.

"Well, I don't know if egging Seph is such a good idea…" In a few minutes, Zack was ready with a basket in his hand. "Alright Zack, before we start searching, you do realize these are boiled eggs right?"

"Aww, they are? Well it won't be as fun as egging him with real eggs, but oh well. Boiled eggs will have to do. Now, lets go searching for eggs!" He pushed Cloud down the corridor and the two went to work right away. But twenty minutes into searching, they still didn't find anything around the building. Cloud seemed confused and Zack seemed disappointed. "Aww man, I really wanted to egg Seph…"

"Excuse me?" A familiar voice spoke up and Zack turned around with a smile.

"Seph! Took ya long enough to get up! We're searching for eggs so we can egg people with!"

"Well I wasn't planning on egging them…" Cloud mumbled and Zack ruffled his hair. Sephiroth raised an eyebrow.

"Zack, you do realize that no one hid any eggs today. We've been low on budget so we couldn't afford to buy all those eggs…" Cloud tilted his head.

"But the Easter Bunny brings the eggs…"

"Easter… Bunny?" Sephiroth was confused.

"Yeah, you know, the Bunny of Easter that brings eggs and hides them for kids to look for?" The silver-haired man was even more confused.

"Why would a bunny hide eggs? They don't even lay eggs."

"It's a myth, Seph. It's not real." Cloud looked down at the ground.

"I knew it… Damn you Tifa…"

"Tifa? What'd she do?"

"She told me the easter bunny was real…"

"And… you believed her?" Cloud gave a nod and Zack through his arm around his shoulder as they walked away from Seph. "Cloud, quick word of advice." He stole an egg off of some cadets plate as he walked by. "Never believe what women tell you." He winked at Cloud once before quickly turning around and throwing the egg he stole at Sephiroth. It hit him square in the head and boiled egg exploded in his hair. Zack jumped up and down with pride! "Yes! I got him!"

"Zack…"

"Huh?"

"I'm gonna kill you." Zack took off running as Sephiroth chased, leaving Cloud all by himself to think about what he learning that day.

"So the Easter Bunny isn't real then… huh." He took an egg off the same Cadet's plate that walked by earlier.

"Hey, that was my second egg! I-" Cloud walked away and smiled. Well, even if the Easter Bunny _wasn't_ real, he could still pull an easter prank on Zack. Like the old 'I'm-just-gonna-leave-this-egg-here-under-your-bed-until-you-smell-it-rotting' prank. Yep, nothing like a good 'ol Easter prank from none other than Cloud Strife.

**XxXxX XxXxX XxXxX**

_I hate that now people say Santa doesn't exist either?_

It was Christmas Eve and most of the people working for ShinRa had left for home already. But three friends stayed for Christmas: Zack, Cloud and Sephiroth. They were sitting at their kitchen table discussing what to do tomorrow. All three of them wore Santa hat's (Zack _insisted_ they wear them till Christmas day) and talked about wrapping their presents for each other. "I'm gonna wrap my gifts in the bedroom, so no peeking! That means you Seph."

"Excuse me?"

"Okay! Now, where ya gonna wrap yours?"

"In the guest bedroom. Anyone who tries to come in with end up with Masamune running through them." Zack leaned over to Cloud and whispered.

"Good thing I have a lot of Phoenix Downs…" Cloud simply shook his head.

"Well I guess I'll wrap mine in the kitchen." Zack grinned.

"I can't wait to open presents tomorrow! Especially the ones from Santa!"

"Yeah!" Cloud smiled too, but Sephiroth just shook his head.

"I swear, you two are such kids…"

"Hey…" Replied fifteen year old Cloud.

"Anyway, I thought you two knew already."

"Knew what?"

"That Santa doesn't exi-" Cloud quickly slapped a hand over Seph's mouth before could finish his sentence, leaving a confused Zack.

"Santa doesn't what?"

"He doesn't e-" Cloud pressed his hand harder against Sephiroth's mouth.

"Excuse me and Sephiroth for a moment." Cloud managed to drag the six foot one tall man into the other room. "Seph, Zack doesn't know that Santa doesn't exist. Don't ruin it for him."

"Why?"

"Because!"

"Because…"

"Just trust me on this one, okay Seph? Just please don't tell him." Sephiroth sighed and nodded. Cloud smiled. They walked out of the room and found Zack looking kinda panic-y. "Zack, what's wrong?"

"Reno was just here."

"Did you get him for eating your big slice of pizza?"

"What? No! No, he said Santa doesn't exist! Is this true?"

"No, of course not. Santa's real, Zack. So don't worry. Even Sephiroth believes in him, right Seph?" Sephiroth nodded, reassuring Zack and calmed him down.

"Oh good… Well then, guess Reno won't be on the nice list this year. Now, let's go wrap presents!" As Zack and Sephiroth left the room Cloud stood there, his eye twitching.

Reno was so dead.

**XxXxX XxXxX XxXxX**

_I hate that the snooze button doesn't last longer._

It was monday, the most dreaded day on the face of the earth. It was the day you go back to work. (Except for those who like to work… they dreaded fridays, saturdays and sundays.) So Sephiroth was in his cozy bed with his silver silk sheets and fluffy white pillows, enjoying his precious sleep. But then his evil alarm clock when off, blurting out its obnoxious sounds as the time reached 5:30. His green cat-like eyes snapped open and his hand hit the snooze button heavily. He then turned over and attempted to fall asleep again. But seven minutes later, it went off again and once again, he hit the snooze button. He tried to stay awake, but sleep overcame him again. But that darn alarm clock was persistent alright, cause exactly seven minutes later, it went off again. But it went off one too many times for Seph's liking. He picked his masamune (which was by the side of his bed) and sliced the poor clock in half. It was only then did he finally wake up and sigh. As his eyes were starting to focus clearly, Zack opened the door quickly and stuck his head in.

"Wake up Seph! It's already 5:45! Up, up, up!" Sephiroth thew one of his fluffy pillows at the door which luckily blocked Zack. Still, the pillow made a small crack in the door. Zack left the room laughing.

He really hated mondays.

**XxXxX**

**Yep, so there's first chapter! I know it isn't the best thing so far. I really like the first one! It made me crack up. I didn't even mean for that 'That's not what your mom said last night' joke to come up! It happened the very last second I was writing it! I'm glad it turned out like it did. Well, I hope you guys enjoyed it and hopefully will read the next chapter! Thank you! :D**

_The darkness I liveth, the darkness I love  
__~roo the vampire_


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